To the Man of My Dreams!

Dear Future Husband,

I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately. I think it’s easy for my mind to wander to thoughts of you as I see so many of my good friends getting married, celebrating anniversaries, and having babies. I look forward to the day when I get to share those moments with you. There are a few things that I want you to know, and a few promises that I want to make to you now. So, read on.

First of all, I may have you pretty convinced that I am perfect. ;) I assure you that I am not. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and although I haven’t been perfect, I can tell you that I have learned a lot of lessons that have made me a stronger woman. With that being said, I want you to know that I don’t expect you to be perfect; however, with every mistake and wrong turn I hope that you took what you needed from the experiences and became a better man. I want us to be perfectly imperfect together. I hope that you have lived, I mean really lived, because even though we will have a lot of life to enjoy together…I want you to have many memories that you get to look back on. I want to hear all of your stories and become familiar with your adventures. 

Second, I happen to be a happy person overall…but I will have bad days. Let me have them. I will get back to myself without too much delay, but for the moment I may just need to be angry, sad, or a bit crazy. I promise to let you have your space to deal with your stuff as well. I have worked hard at giving myself permission to just feel whatever I’m feeling in that moment and I hope that you will honor that for me, as I will for you.  

Third, I have a lot of crazy ideas and ambitions. As in…I am seriously dedicated to owning an island someday with my cousin. Support me. Celebrate all of my successes with me, and more importantly, celebrate all of my failures as well. Don’t let me give up on me. Inspire me and let me inspire you. Be my biggest cheerleader. Let me fall on my face, but always be there to pick me up. I promise to do the same for you. I want you to dream big, and know that every step of the way I will be there as your biggest fan. I want to create a partnership with you! Do crazy things, be spontaneous, don’t be too serious, be fearless, and dedicated to the life you’ve always dreamed of – and I will do the same.

Fourth, play with our kids. I’m completely okay if you choose to be a bigger kid than them and show them how it’s done. Laugh. Cry. Risk. Show them the balance between having a good time and still creating greatness. Help me instill a respect for those around them, a soft spot for those that need something we may be able to offer, trust in the greater good of humanity, and acceptance of those that seem completely different from them. Tell them every day that they are amazing, talented, and loved. I want them to know that they can conquer the world.   

Fifth, I ask that you dedicate yourself to learning and growing. I don’t care what you are learning about…well as long as it is moral, ethical, and legal…as long as you are learning. I want you to be passionate about becoming the best man that you can be…for you. I am very aware of the fact that I will receive the benefits of this, and that’s why I’m clear that it has to be for you. I will do the same. I will constantly work on being the woman that you deserve, and educating myself in ways that allows me to be the best version of myself for us and for our family.

Sixth, don’t be afraid to tell me anything. I may not always react in the most graceful way, but give me time. I am always on your side and will come around eventually. Tell me your secrets and I will tell you mine. Be open with me, give me feedback that you think I need (especially when I seem to be moving in a direction opposite of where I say I want to go), and allow me to reciprocate. I want you to know the darkest parts of me, so that there is no doubt that you know the real me. In addition, I want to know you. All of you.

Finally, some promises I know I need to make to you now and I ask that you hold me to these. I promise not to punish you for the things in my life that you aren’t responsible for. I promise not to blame you for the hurt that others have caused, and I will do my best every day to just leave it where it belongs…in the past. I promise to love you, even on the days when liking you may seem difficult. I promise to forgive. I promise to let you be the man in our house, and protect and provide for our family. I promise to be loyal, honest, vulnerable, trusting, and faithful in all aspects of our relationship. I promise to give you the space you may need to figure stuff out. I promise to fight every single day for our relationship, as I would much rather fight for you than against you. I promise to respect and honor you. I promise to pray with you and for you. I promise to let you be my Knight in Shining Armor, because I am sure that you won’t let me down.

We have so much to look forward to. I know that our lives are going to be full of adventures, and the journey is going to be one that our grandchildren will appreciate. In the meantime, be good to yourself.

I will see you soon…

Michelle

Love...Unconditional Love

I have had so much on my mind lately. Like the kind of stuff that keeps you up at night. I have officially started three blog posts, and have yet to finish any of them because my brain can’t seem to focus on one topic. I just jump around all day long inside of my head, in hopes that one topic will stick so I can finish one of these. Maybe this is the one!

I spend a lot of time with one of the most beautiful creatures on earth, a one-year old named Penelope. I spend at least 40 hours a week with her. She’s quite simple, and yet so complex, all at the same time. She makes me laugh every day, and is more patient than anyone I know. She comes fully equipped with all that, I believe, God has instilled in us and is constantly teaching me some kind of lesson. There is no doubt that she expresses fully what is on her mind…ALL THE TIME.

If she’s upset, I know. If she’s happy, her face scrunches up in the cutest expression. If she loves the music, she dances. If she’s excited, her whole body bounces. If she wants attention, she yells until she gets it. There is never any question as to how she is feeling at any given moment. She finds joy in the simplest of things, and her laugh makes my heart skip a beat. She practices perfect self-expression without any hesitation. She laughs at her own jokes, she disappears behind her own hands, and she always plays innocent when she knows she is doing something she shouldn’t.

Penelope is also the most patient person, as she is always waiting for me to figure out what she really needs. She loves in a way that I only hope to understand someday. This child has a way of expressing unconditional love, and I hope to one day remember fully what it’s like to feel this way. She touches my cheek if she catches me crying (not that that’s ever happened), she climbs into my arms and hugs me when I’m having a horrible day, and she loves me regardless of how I look for the day.

She is determined, persistent, loving, trusting, curious, daring, and she takes risks every day. Most of those risks involve me panicking a little, as she really has no filter for what could be painful on the other side of a decision. She wants it and she goes for it.

I think the biggest question I have to ask myself, is where along the roads of this thing called life did I stop being so child-like? Where did I stop being determined, curious, trusting, and unconditionally loving? When did I decide that I had to be so cautious about what I was thinking, feeling, or wanting? I don’t even express how much I love, appreciate and adore some of the people in my life. I have all of these goals that I want and desire, and there is much to do in order to accomplish them and yet I get in my own way. Penelope never lets anything get in her way…if she can help it and she doesn’t give up without a fight.

So when did it become okay to hold it all in? When did I decide that it wasn’t okay to express myself fully? And who, in my life, are paying prices because I can’t seem to just be who I am. The people that know me and really love me have had the distinct privilege of getting the authentic me. They know my mistakes, my faults, my weaknesses, but above all of that they know my strength, my beauty and the fact that I’m perfectly imperfect.

There’s so much to be learned from Penelope. She’s just who she is, because she doesn’t know how to be anyone else. I guarantee she never ends up as exhausted as I often do. She loves with no fear of what could happen tomorrow.

May I approach each and every day with a little more of the ability to love with my whole heart without fear of what kind of hurt or pain could welcome me, because so much more comes from loving. Love conquers all, and it is the one thing that heals all as well. Besides what if loving myself and those around me, unconditionally, meant that all of my dreams came true? For some reason I think that’s the secret to the formula. I challenge each of you to love as though your life depends on it…because I’m pretty sure it does. 

Unforgettable Encounter

Have you ever met someone who instantly changed the way you look at yourself? A few months ago someone came into my life and in a few conversations and a short amount of time spent with him…I can say something shifted. He’s that guy that I never really thought I stood much of a chance with in the first place. He's funny, handsome, successful...and he came out of nowhere. I enjoyed his surprise arrival. And not to give away the ending too soon, but his departure left a mark on me as well. 

Many innocent conversations and years of friendship eventually led to him getting my phone number...yes, we had known each other for years before we exchanged numbers. Then somehow, without me being completely aware of what was going on, we were on our first date. It was the kind of first date that you want to write home about. It was easy. We talked and just hung out for a few hours. He made me laugh, a lot. I felt so at ease and so comfortable in my own skin. Not for one second did I have to be anyone other than myself. I found myself wanting to be connected to him the whole time…the poor guy, I just couldn’t stop reaching out to touch him. When my boss asked me how it was going, my response was “Oh man…second date…please? Way better than I anticipated. :)” (He left the table for a second and I quickly text her back.)

At the end of the night he walked me to my car and then threw me off guard...again...with a kiss. It was the kind of kiss that you just don’t want to end. (FYI…My response to my boss was before the kiss, so apparently there was room for improvement.) I don't even remember how I got home that night. I swear I floated. I've never floated, but that night I did. I couldn't wait to see him again, to talk to him, to laugh with him, to touch him (get your minds out of the gutter). I just wanted to be around him. I wanted to tell him all of my secrets, and let him see the darkest parts of me, because I knew that it wouldn’t matter what I told him…he wasn’t going anywhere. In addition, I wanted to know everything there is to know about him. The good, the bad, the ugly…I wanted to know everything.

I had only a short period of time to really contemplate the idea, because he has some other things that he needs to sort through. He had contemplated the idea for 5 years (yeah, I had no idea), and if I’m being honest…back then I don’t think I would have been a good fit because of where I was at. Either way, I’m the kind of girl that needs flashing neon signs if a guy is interested, because I don’t get the hint very well…it’s a problem. I had the pleasure of really liking the idea for a few months. So after a few dates and lots of text messaging…I’m a bit disappointed that the idea didn’t pan out as I had hoped. I heard a song as I was talking about him one night and one of the lyrics is, “to wait for you, well that's all I can do and that's what I've got to face.” However there is no waiting, because I could be waiting for a long time, and ain’t nobody got time for that! Timing has this weird way of letting you know that something just isn’t going to work. Damn timing.

I’m proud of myself, though. I stood in my truth. I wasn’t afraid to be me. I wasn’t afraid to say what I was really thinking. I didn’t hold back for his benefit, instead I gave 100% of me and it was more than I could have expected it to be. So a goodbye kiss and a slightly painful moment…it’s all done. A part of me wishes I would have known that he was interested sooner; however it may not have ended any different. No one ever knows what’s possible until it’s been explored, and this has been explored.

I learned that I can float. I can be me and just own who I am, even the ugly parts, and still feel quite beautiful. That’s priceless. I am perfectly imperfect, and there are many that will appreciate that about me. I know he did. I learned that some people will just get you, without a lot of effort, and those are the ones you want to hold onto. Even if holding on means that your life goes different directions. I’m grateful for this man…he’s remarkable. I hope that whatever life brings his way, he finds more happiness than he knows what to do with. He deserves that...and so do I.

Life Lessons

I’m horrible at this blogging business. I’d like to say that I’m going to get better at it soon, but if I’m being honest that’s probably not the case. It’s been an interesting year. One where I woke up one day and had no idea how I got to where I was, and then after a lot of reflection I was able to put the pieces together. As one searches for their purpose they can encounter many obstacles that they never thought they’d encounter. Or maybe that was just my experience. I’ve had a lot of moments that I’m not able to take back, and I think the best part is that I wouldn’t want to. 

To recap: I started a journey to sort through where I was and where I wanted to go. I met a man. Ended up in a relationship I never should have been in. Stopped focusing on the journey I set out to be on. The relationship ended and I felt broken. The kind of broken where you get a chance to re-build and construct something new because the only thing that seems to be left are the pieces that you once were familiar with. I had spent a lot of time shut down and finally let someone in thinking the whole time that it was safe. What resulted was my vulnerability being used in a way that wasn’t healthy. However I let that happen. I gave up any kind of power that I had and I let them control more of the situation than I should have. I take full responsibility for my involvement and I learned how to handle things differently and what to avoid in terms of a relationship. 

I know for certain that I am a better, stronger person on the other side of this. I realized that I struggle with feeling loved. I think that the biggest driving force is to love and be loved in return, and when we don’t feel that, I think we set out to find it. Or we avoid it, which is something that I have found I am insanely good at…as in, if it were an Olympic sport I’d get the gold medal every time. This is what I know, I AM LOVED. In ways that I didn’t even realize and the only way for me to really see it was to go through many interesting experiences. I have some of the best friends in the whole world that love me, unconditionally. There is nothing that I could do to ruin these friendships, because they support me 100% – even when they don’t agree with the decisions I’ve made.  Hell, I don’t agree with all the decisions I made, but there’s nothing that can be done to change what’s happened already. The best part is that I love them the same way. 

I know that in order for other people to value me, I MUST value myself first. It’s interesting that what you put up with, you end up with. If you want a loyal and honest relationship, then don’t allow someone to come into your life on terms that don’t align with that. The more you value yourself, the more those around you will value you. If you don’t see your value, find someone who consistently sees you bigger than you see yourself, and borrow their perspective for a while. It helps.

I have learned that forgiveness is priceless. I think it’s important to forgive those around you for anything they may have done to you; although, I prefer to say that they were things they did for me. This forgiveness doesn’t make the behavior or experience acceptable; it simply allows you to move on to bigger and better things. We all deserve bigger and better things. Also, in forgiving someone else it doesn’t mean that you have to keep them in your life. It simply means you free yourself from a prison that only you know you are in. 

At the end of the day, though, the most important person you can forgive is yourself. No matter how big or small the mistake, you don’t deserve to spend the rest of your life beating yourself up about it. You deserve to let it go. Don’t allow any experience to have so much power over you that it takes away from the greatness of your future. I’m responsible for my actions, and I am responsible for the forgiveness I allow myself to give and receive, even if the receiving only comes from me. It is liberating to take responsibility; it’s powerful beyond measure. In addition, forgiveness brings peace that can be experienced no other way.

So, after learning all of that I think one of the lessons I wasn’t expecting was this: I know that I’m a catch. I believe that a relationship can be everything you desire it to be. I want to be with a man who is authentic, operates from integrity, giving, receptive, trustworthy, trusting, loving, kind, driven, faithful, and someone who adores me. In return, I will ensure that this man knows he is the most incredible man on the planet. I want to create a partnership with him and create a life that we can both be proud of. Life is meant to be shared, and I’m looking forward to that. 

So maybe, just maybe, being broken was necessary. Maybe I needed to know that I am loved, valuable, and that the power of forgiveness pertains to me as well. Maybe I needed to finally understand that I am a catch, and that I can have whatever it is that I choose. I choose to have an amazing life…because I know I’m worth that!

Life...

I started this and never did anything with it...I am going to try and be better...let's see if I can do this! :)

So, a question that I have been getting a lot lately is in reference to why I am still single. I would like to say that this is a great question and then provide the asker with some great insight into the inner workings of the Lord’s timing. Instead, I only come up with blank stares as I look back at them with nothing but an empty answer. The truth is, is that this is an incredibly frustrating question because I ask myself the same thing all the time. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t ask this question because I pity myself or because I am unhappy with the current status of my life. I ask this question, because I genuinely want to know what I can do differently or better to help me get to the place where this question isn’t asked anymore.

I have been very blessed to have incredible people in my life that have helped me see some things from a few different perspectives. I was in California with a good friend, and while we were there I got to sit down with his mom and talk about my life as she asked we played the game of 20 questions. She is such an incredible woman and has walked in shoes that look a lot like mine. We were talking about the struggles that come with being single, and trying to stay on the right path when the world does everything it can to lead you somewhere else. It’s a painful reality to know that there are more things to entice you to be the type of person you know you shouldn’t be, and if you aren’t careful those temptations win. You have to cling to everything you know is true in order to maintain your standards and do everything you can to keep the adversary from winning.

As we were chatting about how hard it can be she said, “The one thing you have to remember is that you have spirit children that are waiting just for you. They are up in Heaven watching you and cheering you on every step of the way. They aren’t going to give up on you, so don’t give up on yourself.” I just looked at her, because this is not something that I have considered before. There are souls waiting for me to get my life to a place where I can provide for them, and raise them up in the Gospel. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, I know that Jesus Christ had a moment just for me in the Garden of Gethsemane, and I know that They are both aware of everything that I experience and go through…but I have never considered the fact that I have children that are waiting for me. It definitely has a way of changing your perspective.

Then, about a week ago, I got to chat with an incredible Priesthood holder in my ward. We talked about the ins and outs of dating and how complicated we tend to make it. He has been in a relationship for a while and knows that he is with the girl that he wants to spend his forever with, but he recently realized that he has to grow up and get his life together. So, with her encouragement and loving words, he got to work and started doing what he could to get the necessary pieces put in place. As someone who is still single, I am not quite sure what those pieces are but I am trying to figure it out. (In addition, this friend told me to make a list…not of what I am looking for…but a list of my gifts and strengths. He asked me to start acknowledging what I bring to the table…this will follow in another post. Also, I think I am going to make a list of the various traits I have seen that attract me to someone...maybe!)

This leads me to my next conversation. I was at institute and Brother Livingstone and I were talking about relationships. I am sure that Melody is really getting tired of these conversations, as she is married and has been for the last five years, either way she is patient as we discuss relationships. I asked Brother Livingstone how I get out of the friend zone and how I get to a point where I am ready for marriage. As far as the friend zone questions goes, he just told me to make it clear that I am not in a place to be someone’s best friend unless that includes being in a committed relationship. Then he asked me a question that I have been pondering quite a bit the last week. He said, “Michelle, do you think that you could sacrifice your job and current life for someone?” I have been thinking about this a lot, and I would like to believe that if it was the right person, I would do whatever it took to make the necessary sacrifices for them. I would give up anything. Now back to reality, is this really something I could do? My answer is simple…I don’t know. I have worked hard to get where I am now in the organization I work for, and it’s hard to contemplate the idea of giving all of that up. Would it be worth it? More than likely. Am I willing to take that risk? I just don’t know.

So, instead of trying to figure out all of the answers to these questions and ponderings today, I submit that I am working on it. I am trying to get to a point where I can let guys get close to me and not just be my best friend. I am trying to sort through years of bad habits, and doing what I can to turn those things around. This isn’t an easy transition but it is a necessary one. I want to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be, to ensure that whoever I end up with feels lucky to have found me. That’s my mission and priority right now, and so far I think I’m doing okay.