Exposed...Kinda. Ha!

I was challenged by a good friend of mine to post some pictures on Facebook that I had taken of me, and while that may have sounded like a good idea...I on the other hand thought it was a terrible idea. Mainly because I was genuinely concerned that I would offend someone or bug one of my 'friends' on there. Then I decided to blog about it, because I’d have an easy topic to write about! So…two birds, one stone!

My whole life I have struggled with my weight. I’ve been up and down since my senior year in HS and I’m going to say that’s because for the first time in my life I was down. I have a love/hate relationship with food and when I get sad I have this habit of eating my feelings. And sometimes…I have A LOT of feelings. The summer before my senior year I worked two full-time retail jobs in Colorado, and got small enough that people that had known me my whole life didn’t recognize me when I moved back to Kansas.

(That's me on the left)

Then my grandpa died. And I healed myself through food and lots of alcohol. The only way I could sleep after he died, and not have dreams about him, was to go to bed drunk. After about 8 months of that I gained around 40 pounds. Then the ultimate struggle began, because even though I had quit drinking I couldn’t seem to get rid of the weight. That’s when I started trying every fad diet I could think of and failing miserably as I lost weight and then gained it again.

Last year I decided I was going to do something different and worked really hard to get to the smallest that I’ve been in my teen/adult life. I was working out with a trainer, was super careful about what I ate, and drank a ton of water. I did all of the things that you’re supposed to do in order to see results, and I did. No fad diets, no starving myself, and no working out in the gym 4 hours a day. This was the result.

As I was doing all of this, I was playing a 90 day game and my coach (Melissa Tucker) challenged me to have some boudoir photos taken. Well, for anyone that knows me…I’m a pretty modest person. I prefer to keep as much covered as possible, at all times. I accepted the challenge, although, I did my version of boudoir photos, still modest and yet still a little more revealing than normal for me.

I’ve never been comfortable in my own skin, but when I look at these pictures I am reminded that I am a beautiful woman. I don’t have a perfect body, and after a few months of eating my feelings at the beginning of this year I have some progress to make up for, but I am still beautiful. I don’t have to be perfect, and I don't have to be the size that I have decided is necessary to be loved. I am loved and enough just the way I am. So, here you go. Here are some of the pictures that I had taken, and surprisingly enough...I actually like most of the pictures that were sent back to me. (Photos compliments of Shay Nuttall.)

 

 

 

 

Note to Self:

Such an amazing reminder. I need to worry about me first, because others benefit from me a lot more when I'm on solid ground.  

Heart + Head = Miscommunication

Sometimes the communication between our head and our hearts gets lost in translation. I have come to believe that they have to be in complete alignment for things to really work out. Yes, many of you probably already knew this, and maybe I am just a little slow on picking up certain things. Anyway, I’ve learned this the hard way. Being in a situation where my heart was completely invested, I wanted to do everything I could to pursue it. However, what if you’re in a situation where every issue that comes up can’t be sorted through. What if, logically, the best thing I could have done for my heart was to run as fast as I could in the opposite direction? 

I think there is a reason why our heart and our head aren’t always in alignment, and it’s always in our best interest to pay attention to that. The stars don’t align every single day. Sometimes prayers aren’t answered for a reason, and when this happens if we let go and move forward…maybe, just maybe, what’s ultimately better for us is waiting just around the corner. And you know, maybe not. However, we will never know if we keep holding on to the things that don’t make sense. I don’t think it takes a lot for the stars to align, but they definitely won’t align if we hold on to stuff that is inherently wrong for us. 

If you have a vision, a goal, or a dream…take a look at your current situation and relationships and identify if they are serving you in a way that will allow you to pursue that vision, goal or dream. If not, then let go and move on. In the meantime, do all that you can to heal and forgive you and others involved in a situation. It allows you more freedom as you go in the direction you’re meant to go. I’ve learned a lot of this the hard way. I’ve learned how painful I make letting go, and how if I just surrendered I’d enjoy this journey a lot more. 

People and experiences come into our lives to help us become whatever it is that we want to become. The good, the bad, and the ugly…we need it all. We need it because those things happen FOR us…so we can grow, become stronger, get clarity on what we really want, and most of all, fulfill our purpose. I know all about adversity. I know all about the pain and sorrow of life. But even more than that, I know about all of the happiness, beauty, and goodness that comes on the other side, and sometimes right in the middle, of the pain and sorrow. 

I guess you can say that I’m grateful for those moments when I ignored the logic, because I’ve learned so much by doing that. Although, I will admit that I have every intention of paying closer attention to what’s out of alignment in the future, so I can get to the good stuff quicker. Because I deserve the good stuff and this was definitely a reminder that I deserve that, even though it didn't turn out as I had hoped.