Life Lessons

I’m horrible at this blogging business. I’d like to say that I’m going to get better at it soon, but if I’m being honest that’s probably not the case. It’s been an interesting year. One where I woke up one day and had no idea how I got to where I was, and then after a lot of reflection I was able to put the pieces together. As one searches for their purpose they can encounter many obstacles that they never thought they’d encounter. Or maybe that was just my experience. I’ve had a lot of moments that I’m not able to take back, and I think the best part is that I wouldn’t want to. 

To recap: I started a journey to sort through where I was and where I wanted to go. I met a man. Ended up in a relationship I never should have been in. Stopped focusing on the journey I set out to be on. The relationship ended and I felt broken. The kind of broken where you get a chance to re-build and construct something new because the only thing that seems to be left are the pieces that you once were familiar with. I had spent a lot of time shut down and finally let someone in thinking the whole time that it was safe. What resulted was my vulnerability being used in a way that wasn’t healthy. However I let that happen. I gave up any kind of power that I had and I let them control more of the situation than I should have. I take full responsibility for my involvement and I learned how to handle things differently and what to avoid in terms of a relationship. 

I know for certain that I am a better, stronger person on the other side of this. I realized that I struggle with feeling loved. I think that the biggest driving force is to love and be loved in return, and when we don’t feel that, I think we set out to find it. Or we avoid it, which is something that I have found I am insanely good at…as in, if it were an Olympic sport I’d get the gold medal every time. This is what I know, I AM LOVED. In ways that I didn’t even realize and the only way for me to really see it was to go through many interesting experiences. I have some of the best friends in the whole world that love me, unconditionally. There is nothing that I could do to ruin these friendships, because they support me 100% – even when they don’t agree with the decisions I’ve made.  Hell, I don’t agree with all the decisions I made, but there’s nothing that can be done to change what’s happened already. The best part is that I love them the same way. 

I know that in order for other people to value me, I MUST value myself first. It’s interesting that what you put up with, you end up with. If you want a loyal and honest relationship, then don’t allow someone to come into your life on terms that don’t align with that. The more you value yourself, the more those around you will value you. If you don’t see your value, find someone who consistently sees you bigger than you see yourself, and borrow their perspective for a while. It helps.

I have learned that forgiveness is priceless. I think it’s important to forgive those around you for anything they may have done to you; although, I prefer to say that they were things they did for me. This forgiveness doesn’t make the behavior or experience acceptable; it simply allows you to move on to bigger and better things. We all deserve bigger and better things. Also, in forgiving someone else it doesn’t mean that you have to keep them in your life. It simply means you free yourself from a prison that only you know you are in. 

At the end of the day, though, the most important person you can forgive is yourself. No matter how big or small the mistake, you don’t deserve to spend the rest of your life beating yourself up about it. You deserve to let it go. Don’t allow any experience to have so much power over you that it takes away from the greatness of your future. I’m responsible for my actions, and I am responsible for the forgiveness I allow myself to give and receive, even if the receiving only comes from me. It is liberating to take responsibility; it’s powerful beyond measure. In addition, forgiveness brings peace that can be experienced no other way.

So, after learning all of that I think one of the lessons I wasn’t expecting was this: I know that I’m a catch. I believe that a relationship can be everything you desire it to be. I want to be with a man who is authentic, operates from integrity, giving, receptive, trustworthy, trusting, loving, kind, driven, faithful, and someone who adores me. In return, I will ensure that this man knows he is the most incredible man on the planet. I want to create a partnership with him and create a life that we can both be proud of. Life is meant to be shared, and I’m looking forward to that. 

So maybe, just maybe, being broken was necessary. Maybe I needed to know that I am loved, valuable, and that the power of forgiveness pertains to me as well. Maybe I needed to finally understand that I am a catch, and that I can have whatever it is that I choose. I choose to have an amazing life…because I know I’m worth that!