Doing The Best We Can

All of my posts seem to come from conversations. They spark a lot of thoughts that roam around in my head until I get rid of them in some fashion. I talk to my cousin every day about pretty much everything. We go to each other for advice and for understanding. She gets me and knows me quite well. We’ve talked on a regular basis since I was about 13 and almost every day for the last couple of years. She’s easily one of my best friends and I consider her a HUGE blessing. I’m very lucky.

Anyway, as we were texting about various relationships today I said to her, “He’s doing the best he can with what he has.” By that I mean that this person really is trying to bring as much as they can to the friendship with the information that they have. Which is what we all do. We all give as much as we can to our friends, family, and relationships the best that we can, with the experiences we’ve had and what we’ve learned from them. Sometimes that may include the willingness to give 100% of ourselves up front without any hesitation. In other situations we may be more guarded and reluctant to be open, and every now and then that reluctance is sparked from something as simple as being reminded of a past character in our lives. I have a bad habit of assuming someone will be a certain way, simply because they remind me of someone from my past. As we all are aware…assuming isn’t always a good thing. I’m sure I’ve missed out on some great friendships due to this very assumption.

As for myself, because I can really only speak for myself, I have spent a good portion of my life keeping people at arm’s length. As long as people don’t get too close then they can’t hurt me. Then when I have let people in completely, I ensure that I provide ample opportunity for them to do just that. One of my very best guy friends tried to kiss me a few years ago, and I did everything I could to completely destroy our friendship after that. And I was SO talented at the whole sabotage thing, that it only took me about a week. I spent every day with this person for 6 months and had been friends for well over a year and a half. As soon as I thought there may be a shift I went into destruction mode. It was terrifying. The worst part, is that he knew me so well that he could use all of my weaknesses against me and he did, just as I feared he would. I don’t blame him. I set him up for that, and did so very successfully if I do say so myself! He and I have become friends again, but I don’t think it will ever be possible for us to be as close as we were.

I don’t spend a lot of time beating myself up because of that experience, nor am I so frustrated and angry with him. The reality is that I was simply doing the best I could, and so was he. I don’t think we intentionally set out to hurt each other, actually I know we didn’t; however, it definitely ended that way. I miss him and our friendship…a lot. I have taken full responsibility for my behavior. I don’t know if things would be different today if I wouldn’t have become a crazy person and we will never know. I have learned a lot and now I get to move forward.

That’s what I think it’s all about. It’s about us doing the best that we can with what we know, and then adjusting as we experience and learn new thing…if we choose to. It’s not something that can be forced. Nor is it something that we can wake up from one day and be ‘healed’ of what we may consider to be brokenness. I don’t think any of us are ‘broken,’ even if we may feel like that way, I simply think we are a work in progress. We choose to learn and grow, or not. No one is forcing us to do anything differently. However, I am sure that you are not any closer to where you want to be by doing the same thing you’ve always done.

I encourage all of my friends to choose more. I challenge you to learn and grow and become the person that you were always meant to be. Forgive yourself as quickly as possible, and take note of what you weren’t so thrilled with so you don’t choose that path again. Move forward, move on, and move up. Be the best version of yourself possible, and keep doing the best that you can. Besides…that’s all we were intended to do anyway.

Transitions are fun!

Have you ever had that extreme sense that a lot of changes were coming? So extreme that you're a little scared, because it isn't clear what all of these changes may be and what they would mean. 

Yup. That's where I'm at. I'm not clear on the specifics and I don't know what the next year is going to look like. I can guarantee that the last 12 months have looked nothing like I would have predicted. So I'm in the middle. Exploring the unknown. And trusting that whatever happens is in my best interest, and will benefit those that I love dearly. Trust. It's what I struggle with the most. Here's to letting go and being clear on the end result. 

To be honest, the end result for the time being isn't completely planned either...but I know this, I want to be happy. And that's the path I'm on. The one that leads to the kind of happiness that radiates out of my being. The kind of happiness that depends on me, and that doesn't depend on outside forces 'making me happy,' that's not real anyway. No one or nothing can 'make' me happy. This is on me. And it's going to be one hell of an exciting, fun ride! Here's to the next year...may it be SO much better than the last one. 

Exposed...Kinda. Ha!

I was challenged by a good friend of mine to post some pictures on Facebook that I had taken of me, and while that may have sounded like a good idea...I on the other hand thought it was a terrible idea. Mainly because I was genuinely concerned that I would offend someone or bug one of my 'friends' on there. Then I decided to blog about it, because I’d have an easy topic to write about! So…two birds, one stone!

My whole life I have struggled with my weight. I’ve been up and down since my senior year in HS and I’m going to say that’s because for the first time in my life I was down. I have a love/hate relationship with food and when I get sad I have this habit of eating my feelings. And sometimes…I have A LOT of feelings. The summer before my senior year I worked two full-time retail jobs in Colorado, and got small enough that people that had known me my whole life didn’t recognize me when I moved back to Kansas.

(That's me on the left)

Then my grandpa died. And I healed myself through food and lots of alcohol. The only way I could sleep after he died, and not have dreams about him, was to go to bed drunk. After about 8 months of that I gained around 40 pounds. Then the ultimate struggle began, because even though I had quit drinking I couldn’t seem to get rid of the weight. That’s when I started trying every fad diet I could think of and failing miserably as I lost weight and then gained it again.

Last year I decided I was going to do something different and worked really hard to get to the smallest that I’ve been in my teen/adult life. I was working out with a trainer, was super careful about what I ate, and drank a ton of water. I did all of the things that you’re supposed to do in order to see results, and I did. No fad diets, no starving myself, and no working out in the gym 4 hours a day. This was the result.

As I was doing all of this, I was playing a 90 day game and my coach (Melissa Tucker) challenged me to have some boudoir photos taken. Well, for anyone that knows me…I’m a pretty modest person. I prefer to keep as much covered as possible, at all times. I accepted the challenge, although, I did my version of boudoir photos, still modest and yet still a little more revealing than normal for me.

I’ve never been comfortable in my own skin, but when I look at these pictures I am reminded that I am a beautiful woman. I don’t have a perfect body, and after a few months of eating my feelings at the beginning of this year I have some progress to make up for, but I am still beautiful. I don’t have to be perfect, and I don't have to be the size that I have decided is necessary to be loved. I am loved and enough just the way I am. So, here you go. Here are some of the pictures that I had taken, and surprisingly enough...I actually like most of the pictures that were sent back to me. (Photos compliments of Shay Nuttall.)

 

 

 

 

Note to Self:

Such an amazing reminder. I need to worry about me first, because others benefit from me a lot more when I'm on solid ground.  

Heart + Head = Miscommunication

Sometimes the communication between our head and our hearts gets lost in translation. I have come to believe that they have to be in complete alignment for things to really work out. Yes, many of you probably already knew this, and maybe I am just a little slow on picking up certain things. Anyway, I’ve learned this the hard way. Being in a situation where my heart was completely invested, I wanted to do everything I could to pursue it. However, what if you’re in a situation where every issue that comes up can’t be sorted through. What if, logically, the best thing I could have done for my heart was to run as fast as I could in the opposite direction? 

I think there is a reason why our heart and our head aren’t always in alignment, and it’s always in our best interest to pay attention to that. The stars don’t align every single day. Sometimes prayers aren’t answered for a reason, and when this happens if we let go and move forward…maybe, just maybe, what’s ultimately better for us is waiting just around the corner. And you know, maybe not. However, we will never know if we keep holding on to the things that don’t make sense. I don’t think it takes a lot for the stars to align, but they definitely won’t align if we hold on to stuff that is inherently wrong for us. 

If you have a vision, a goal, or a dream…take a look at your current situation and relationships and identify if they are serving you in a way that will allow you to pursue that vision, goal or dream. If not, then let go and move on. In the meantime, do all that you can to heal and forgive you and others involved in a situation. It allows you more freedom as you go in the direction you’re meant to go. I’ve learned a lot of this the hard way. I’ve learned how painful I make letting go, and how if I just surrendered I’d enjoy this journey a lot more. 

People and experiences come into our lives to help us become whatever it is that we want to become. The good, the bad, and the ugly…we need it all. We need it because those things happen FOR us…so we can grow, become stronger, get clarity on what we really want, and most of all, fulfill our purpose. I know all about adversity. I know all about the pain and sorrow of life. But even more than that, I know about all of the happiness, beauty, and goodness that comes on the other side, and sometimes right in the middle, of the pain and sorrow. 

I guess you can say that I’m grateful for those moments when I ignored the logic, because I’ve learned so much by doing that. Although, I will admit that I have every intention of paying closer attention to what’s out of alignment in the future, so I can get to the good stuff quicker. Because I deserve the good stuff and this was definitely a reminder that I deserve that, even though it didn't turn out as I had hoped.

Live Without Regrets

**The name has been changed to protect the innocent. ;)

I have this friend, who is quite possibly one of my favorite people, and she definitely understands me on levels that make life easier when we talk. I talk to her about some of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had, and share with her my most exciting moments. Ever since we met at work five years ago, I have called her mom, and I can tell her anything. Lately, we’ve become a lot closer and she’s the woman who is inspiring this post. 

This woman is almost 60 years old and has a passion for life that is so fun to be a part of. She has been married twice. Divorced once and widowed the second time after over 30 years of marriage. She is a pillar of strength. She stands in her truth. She loves completely and is constantly taking care of everyone else. She has this incredible infectious laugh. She has many people in her life that love and adore her, and I’m willing to guess the number of admirers is far greater than she knows.

She has never had that infamous list that people tend to have of all the things they’d like to do some day. She’s always lived for everyone else. Something is different now, and for the first time in her life, she is living completely for herself. She finally has started creating and acting upon that infamous list. Some of the things on the list may seem so silly, however, they are things that she has never experienced and she’s definitely marking things off. 

Last week we were out and she ordered her first shot ever. No, this isn’t her first alcoholic drink, but she had never had a shot. We laughed as she had this experience for the first time, and commemorated the moment with a picture.  She had never been on the back of a Harley, and a good friend of hers honored her request of marking this one off her list. She wants to get a tattoo in honor of her husband. She also wants to experience Wrigley Field, however that has to happen. I, personally, would love to see her go skydiving. Maybe even go on a crazy, fun international trip to some dream destination.  

So many people have asked where the old Anastasia went, as no one knows who she is right now. I stand by the fact that this Anastasia has always existed and she was more concerned with taking care of everyone else and never focused on the things she wanted. Regardless of how big or small those dreams were. She isn’t a different person because she wants to have some of these experiences. I believe she’s a more complete person. She’s operating more fully from her truth. She wants to live the next 30 years with no regrets and without holding back. 

My challenge for my friends is to start living your next 30 years now. There is no need to wait until you are 60 years old to start living for you. I believe that when we take care of ourselves and honor our dreams, regardless of what those are, we become more complete and can give ourselves more completely to those around us. Life is about discovering who you are and being that person, even in the absence of acceptance from those that you love.

I recently heard a man say, “There is nothing right that you can say to the wrong person, and there is nothing wrong you can say to the right person.” I think this is just living in general. There is no way that one can live authentically and damage their relationships (as long as it doesn’t harm or hurt someone else). As we become more aware of who we are and as we stand for that, those around us will come to love and appreciate us even more. Live in your truth.

I have spent many hours with Anastasia talking about life, crying, laughing, and sharing wisdom. (Yes, I may be a bit younger, but I do have some wisdom to impart.) We are 100% authentic with each other, and I appreciate the space provided to be who I am. She doesn’t judge me, she doesn’t wish me to be a different person, and she encourages all of my crazy ideas. What would have been different if she would have had that in her life?

So, what’s on your list? What have you always wanted to do and you haven’t found the courage to do it yet? What keeps you from living on the edge? Don’t wait. Start now. Find your passion and then go after it…make today the kind of good old days that you’ll be excited to share. Your grandkids will thank you for it.